they say you should always make choices using your brain...over your heart, or your body, but this time i'm letting my heart take the wheel.
so i'm writing. typing everything out on a piece of metal. fun, isnt it? or plastic. i think it may be plastic. the inside is metal.
there is a pull in my gut- that is signalling my heart to go into overdrive. i am not putting it into park. or neutral. this gear-shift is stuck in drive, and i hope it fixes itself after i finish typing. and press publish...and then press copy and paste and send.
tia is typing a message on kik- or so it says. i locked my phone and put it face down so i don't see it. maybe it's about this.
maybe you're just upset, or maybe you saw those activities about me being a whore, or maybe she sent you them- or spoke about it.
i don't know, and i'm not asking.
i would say it wasn't a bad thing- but why do i feel so damn guilty? i'm used to showing my body, it's normal, regular for me. i'm comfortable in my own skin- but maybe this guilt is the feeling of knowing you were used.
i think i might have been- but i let it happen.
i'm not stupid, or oblivious to anything at all.
i cracked. and opened the message.
and asked her if she knew anything.
i wonder if she's already gone and told you i asked.
why do i feel so wrong about it? this tiny subject i would have never thought of upsetting me is shaking me to my core.
this guy- lets call him...ugly. ugly and i started speaking on some dumb social app, like a tinder for teens. spot-a-friend. i hadn't downloaded the app for these intentions, i was just bored. nothing to read, and no urge to write. so i decided to do that.
we spoke for two weeks, until today. july...13. according to my laptop calendar.
i stopped to put on our playlist.
well, your playlist. for me.
now..Ugly is physically attractive, yes. very much so- but..so is Chris Brown, Harry Styles, and that kid from the band that performs the Fireflies song.
i just got a message from you.
i hope you two work out well.
i'm trying not to cry because i'm sitting in the kitchen.
i just asked you if you saw those ra's.
i hope i'm not typing this for nothing.
i tried to convince myself i;m typing this for me, but we all know i'm not.
dare you to move just came on.
back to what i was saying. it was physical, all of it. i let my body take over my mind. just because Ugly is attractive, does not mean he has the bond with me that we do.
over the span of what..3-4 months of us actually talking...i have given you everything. i am head over fucking heels, god, dare i say it. in LOVE with you. l-o-v-e. everybody's dreaded word.
you take over my mind. always. four years of nothing and you..just walk into my life and rip my heart out of my chest and take it for yourself. not intentionally, never intentionally. i haven't felt like this..ever. not even before, my first real relationship.
you told me you aren't upset.
i still feel as if i need to explain myself.
i don't know when i'll send this to you.
if ever.
a stupid, silly naked photo- a body over mind...mind over heart decision..i cannot loose the l*ve of my life over that.
wait. i still might be loosing you. but maybe that's okay.
no, it's not.
i blocked Ugly today. i lost a 15 day streak. my guilt...fear..maybe..whatever the hell it was, a fifteen day- just a number on a social media app, is not worth loosing you.
it always seems to be about me. always me. my writings are "i this, i that." but..they are always about you. all of my writings. everything i have written...you are behind it.
i changed the playlist.
mine for you.
it is not helping.
i shouldn't send this to you. i feel as if this would be intentionally..ruin the chance you have with tia. or..ruin the courage i gave you to ask her out. please never loose that. she is good for you. she cares.
things are going to be different. or that is what i predict. i shouldn't predict that. i should stay positive..
this is the end of the journal entry. or at least..i think so. i think i'm done but i just keep writing, it's never ending. maybe that's a good thing.
if i cannot love you as a lover, i will love you as a friend.
andria / la dispute.
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